Bozos

"We're all bozos on the bus, so we might as well sit back and enjoy the ride." -Wavy Gravy

I believe that we are all bozos on the bus, contrary to the self-assured image we work so hard to present to each other on a daily basis. We are all half-baked experiments-mistake-prone beings, born without an instruction book into a complex world. None of us are models of perfect behavior: We have all betrayed and been betrayed; we've been known to be egotistical, unreliable, lethargic, and stingy; and each one of us has, at times, awakened in the middle of the night worrying about everything from money to kids to terrorism to the opposite sex. In other words, we're all bozos on the bus.
This is cause for celebration! If we're all bozos then we can put down the burden of pretense and get on with being bozos. We can approach the problems that visit bozo-type beings without the usual embarrassment and resistance. It is so much more effective to work on our rough edges with a light and a forgiving heart. Imagine how freeing it would be to take a more compassionate and comedic view of the human condition - not as a way to deny our defects - but as a way of welcoming them as part of the standard human operating system. Every single person on this bus called Earth Hurts; it's when we have shame about our failings that hurt turns into suffering. In our shame, we feel an outcast, as if there is another bus somewhere, rolling along a smooth road. Its passengers are all thin, healthy, happy, well-dressed and well-liked people who belong to harmonious families, hold jobs that never bore or aggravate them, and never do mean things, or goofy things like forget where they parked their car, lose their wallet, or say something totally inappropriate. We long to be on that bus with normal people.
But we are on the bus that says BOZO on the front, and we worry that we may be the only passenger on board. This is the illusion that so many of us labor under- that we're all alone in our weirdness and our uncertainty; that we may be the most lost person on the highway. Of course we don't always feel like this. Sometimes a wave of self-forgiveness washes over us, and suddenly we're connected to our fellow humans; suddenly we belong.
It is wonderful to take your place on the bus with the other bozos. It may be the first step to enlightenment to understand with all of your brain cells that the other bus- the sleek bus with the cool people who know where they are going - is also filled with bozos - bozos in drag; bozos with a secret. When we see clearly that every single human being, regardless or fame or fortune or age or brains or beauty, shares the same ordinary foibles, a strange thing happens. We being to cheer up, to loosen up, and we become as buoyant as those people we imagined on the other bus. As we rumble along the potholed road, lost as ever, through the valleys and over the hills, we find ourselves among friends. We sit back, and enjoy the ride.

- Elizabeth Lesser

Sick Of The Way Life Is

I'm sick of hearing about parties. I'm sick of going home everyday with nothing to do. I'm so sick of being the odd girl out. I'm so sick of watching my friends have fun while i sit at home with my parents. I wish things were different. I wish i was allowed to go out. I wish i could have fun with them. I wish my friends weren't so obsessed with drinking and partying. I wish i had friends like me. I wish I had people that understood me. I'm sick of high school. I'm sick of the people in it. I'm ready to move on with my life. Life is hard. I wish it was different. I feel so alone, here in my room.

It's Just One of Those Days

The world is spinning around me and i just want to hide. I want to crawl under my covers and forget the world is even there. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time living with life. And i don't want help, I want to be sad. I want to feel down on myself. I want to be mad at life. It doesn't sound fun, but i'm okay with it for now. Things are the way the are.
My teenage years aren't like they're supposed to be. I feel like i'm the loser kid that has no friends and doesn't go to parties. I'm not having fun... I'm just existing i'm not even living. I'm so sick of life. I'm so sick of the way things are. I want a change. I want to smile, to have fun.
Today i just want to crawl under my covers and disappear. I want to pretend the world is going on without me. It's just one of those days...

Je suis content, the French translation for "I am content".
When asked what was on my mind i first thought of gratitude. Gratitude that things didn't get worse. That i'm not dead. Grateful that i didn't use this week even in my weakest moments. I am grateful that a year ago i was in rehab. I am grateful that today i am sober, i am not in that place anymore.
But really, i'm still not as grateful as i should or could be. So content is a more fitting word. Meaning that i am okay with how things turned out. I may not always like it, or get my way. But i can live with myself now. I can live this life. I wouldn't say i'm excellent, because i am experiencing boredom with my "dull" life. It isn't dull. But it is beginning to feel that way. But in this moment i am content with the dull life i'm living. Because i would rather be living a dull life, than the insanity of a life i was living a year ago.

This too, Shall pass.

Some I just want to stop caring. I want to give up this great life I have. Some days I want to give up. I want to fall back down to where I began. It's not easy. It never is, it never will be. But just like all things in life; this too shall pass.
Just don't do it. Don't put something so shitty inside something so beautiful. Just don't do it and it will get better. Don't ruin all your hard work for one minute of quiet. Don't give in to the challenges of life.
Divine Intervention saved me this week. I attempted to get high twice. Each time something stood in my way. By the grace of God. By the grace of God i am still sober. So close to six months. I almost gave up. I just needed a reminder of all the reasons not to. All the reasons to just keep pushing forward. Because this hard time; just like all things in life, shall pass.
Nothing lasts forever. So for this minute: just breathe. Stay strong. You are stronger than you know.
Remember this hardship; like all things in life, shall pass.

Changes

"Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are." -Soren Kierkegaard

One year ago I experienced Ecstasy for the first time. I can't remember a year ago. I remember jumping, dancing, and the world spinning at the speed of light. It was incredible. 

One year ago I was always high. One year ago I was hiding from the world. One year ago I covered up who i was, what I was going through. One year ago I was not the person I am today.

It's amazing the things that change in one year. Hatred of parents turns into a love that could withstand anything. Living the "high-life" became living the real life. Hating who I was transformed into loving who i am and showing it to the world. Hiding my pain from the world came to be sharing my struggles with the world. 

This past year has been a crazy one. Ups and Downs. Laughter and Tears. I don't regret anything. My life is good today. My life is real. I am real today. One year leaves plenty of time for changes. I have been transformed from the inside out. Life goes on. Everything is alright today. I wouldn't change a thing. But we all know the world is constantly changing, and I'm ready.

"Everything will be alright does not mean, Everything will stay the same."

Suicide

When someone commits suicide they don't want to leave the world; they just want to stop feeling. After taking an immense amount of pain killers and sleeping pills i had the sudden realization: that my life was not worth ending. I had so much i would leave behind. After I did too much cocaine and drank too much vodka i just kept drinking and feeling the burn of powder in my nose so i wouldn't think about it. so i would just die and get it over with.
In our society we have been taught it is okay to say "I wanna kill myself!" in a humorous way. What is funny about that? you don't know what it's like to want to die. What it's like to lose all hope in everything. You don't know what it's like to live in a dark hole that seems like it has no end. You have never held a gun to your head; never tried to OD; never tried to hang yourself. I bet you have never even slit your wrists hoping to find a way out.
That is how it feels to want to kill yourself. Suicide isn't a joke. It's not funny. Find a new punchline to your life.