Changes

"Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are." -Soren Kierkegaard

One year ago I experienced Ecstasy for the first time. I can't remember a year ago. I remember jumping, dancing, and the world spinning at the speed of light. It was incredible. 

One year ago I was always high. One year ago I was hiding from the world. One year ago I covered up who i was, what I was going through. One year ago I was not the person I am today.

It's amazing the things that change in one year. Hatred of parents turns into a love that could withstand anything. Living the "high-life" became living the real life. Hating who I was transformed into loving who i am and showing it to the world. Hiding my pain from the world came to be sharing my struggles with the world. 

This past year has been a crazy one. Ups and Downs. Laughter and Tears. I don't regret anything. My life is good today. My life is real. I am real today. One year leaves plenty of time for changes. I have been transformed from the inside out. Life goes on. Everything is alright today. I wouldn't change a thing. But we all know the world is constantly changing, and I'm ready.

"Everything will be alright does not mean, Everything will stay the same."

Suicide

When someone commits suicide they don't want to leave the world; they just want to stop feeling. After taking an immense amount of pain killers and sleeping pills i had the sudden realization: that my life was not worth ending. I had so much i would leave behind. After I did too much cocaine and drank too much vodka i just kept drinking and feeling the burn of powder in my nose so i wouldn't think about it. so i would just die and get it over with.
In our society we have been taught it is okay to say "I wanna kill myself!" in a humorous way. What is funny about that? you don't know what it's like to want to die. What it's like to lose all hope in everything. You don't know what it's like to live in a dark hole that seems like it has no end. You have never held a gun to your head; never tried to OD; never tried to hang yourself. I bet you have never even slit your wrists hoping to find a way out.
That is how it feels to want to kill yourself. Suicide isn't a joke. It's not funny. Find a new punchline to your life.

A rainbow fish in a sea of high goldfish

I plop down in my front row seat in Chemistry. My lab partner strolls in with a ridiculously large smile on his face. "On a scale of one to ten how high are you?" i whisper. "11..." he chuckles back.
this is my life. i can't count how many times i encounter someone under the influence in one day. I am the sober rainbow fish in a world full of high goldfish.
Haha. That made me laugh. I do that a lot.
My mom always says i'm brave and she's so proud of me. Thanks brah.
Meetings don't appeal to me. They are a bunch of old farts. They were a high goldfish in highschool. They weren't like me. Life is so hard sometimes, it's gets easier then it gets hard. Sometimes i get tempted but other times I'm fine. I don't know how to explain my life. Lonely?
I'm the girl that doesn't go to parties, that doesn't get high, that doesn't drink. I don't get to talk about "epic things that happened at that one party!" i get to listen and wish i was there. But we all know if i was there, it wouldn't end well. shit would hit the fan.
But this is who i am. The rainbow fish.(: