New Year.

New Year's Eve will always hold a special memory for me.
3:00 AM, January 1st, 2012. A can. Two grams of weed. A lighter. And three friends.
M dented a can and poked holes in a few places while J and i examined the marijuana in an orange bottle. M had done this many times before, but J and me were losing our pot virginity tonight. This was the beginning of a drug induced downward spiral.
Within a time span of 6 weeks, i had gotten drunk for the first time, done molly/ecstasy for the first time and began doing cocaine on the side. Drugs were my life.
Now. This year, tonight. I have been babysitting. I played clue for three hours and laughed a lot with truly incredible kids. I drank three bottles of rootbeer, but not beer. I'm probably one of the few teenagers that is not wasted off my ass tonight be choice, and i feel good. 2013 has already started out better. and i only intend for it to get better from here.
Happy New Year. Bring it on 2013.(:

A Vacuum of Shit

"You're not creating a ripple of love; you're creating a vacuum of shit." -Anthony Kiedis

I'm in the process of reading the Red Hot Chilli Pepper's lead singer's autobiography. He is an addict, just like me! ha  But my FAVORITE line of the whole book is the one above. That is addiction, that is drugs.
Everyone believes this, especially when one smokes marijuana. "Ya man, let's all love each other!" Yeah okay buddy, just wait until you come down. Normal people can be fine and normal when the high wears off, but we, us addicts, need to chase it. We need to feel that way. Our thought process goes as such: This is awesome! I want to be like this all the time! Okay where is more?! I need it. Even though in most cases we really don't need it.
Addicts get nasty and we lie to get more. Weed is a gateway drug. I don't care what you say. If you aren't an addict then maybe it isn't, but for some people that high isn't enough so we move on to bigger and greater things chasing it. Chasing whatever it is we think will make us happy and we will go to the Earth's end to get it.
When an addict puts drugs in them, they aren't creating love, they are just creating shit, a vacuum of it. The shit just builds up, the vacuum just gets bigger and bigger. That vacuum is our addiction. And soon, the vacuum can consume you, and when that happens you have hit rock bottom.

Italian Friend

My Dearest friend from Italy, Marina. Oh how i will miss her! She was so cute, she never wore makeup, never bothered to straighten or curl her hair. And she wouldn't let me paint her nails!! Dang it. She would always say with like "wiss" because of her accent. haha she was just the greatest, i'm pretty sure it was humanly impossible for her to get mad at people. Every time it would snow she would get so excited because it barely snows in Italy. I took her sledding for the first time and we spent most of our time laying around because pulling the sled up the hill was too much work. But when she first tasted snow her eyes lit up. She was just so sweet and for the past few months she became a very dear friend of mine. I genuinely hopes she comes back next year. Life will not be the same without her. But she definitely needs some time away or us mountain kids may corrupt her brain... ha!
I love you, Marina. See you soon my dear. <3

Love,
CassidyJoan

Gratitude

It's amazing how the death of a dear friend brings people together. On December 16, 2012 Kelton passed away. Admitted i wasn't the best of friends with him, but he was the funniest, kindest person i have ever met. All he ever did was make others laugh, he put others first i don't recall a time he ever complained about himself. Kelton only had one leg and every time you would ask him what happened he would say "Shark attack, bitch." My favorite memory of Kelton was when he would stick his rubber foot in people's faces on the gravel at West Jeff Middle School. What an amazing person, i'm in such shock. But it just goes to show that in the blink of an eye it can all be over.
Appreciate everything you have. Be grateful to wake up today, be grateful to breathe, be grateful to see, to walk. Be grateful for life.
Conifer was mourning Thursday, but we didn't cry, we didn't wallow in our sorrow. Sometimes we wouldn't even speak, we could look at each other and see the sadness, we understood one another. We laughed, we remember Kelton and his joy, his happiness. We laughed, because Kelton wouldn't have wanted us to all cry together. there was no hate that day, just understanding, just care, just gratitude. Life goes on and we are grateful for that.
We love you Kelton, have a blast in heaven, get laid, party it up. Do all the things you thought were never possible. And make sure to never stop smiling buddy. <3

Getting to Know Me

Well I believe that in order for this to be a healthy relationship you should know about me before we get to serious. Ha!
Hmmm... Where to even begin. Well: I don't like coffee, i like energy drinks (except the gross non-fizzy kind, bleh). I like psychology, you could call it a passion i suppose. I like helping people; I'm actually going to Greece this summer on a service trip!! I like social media; snapchat and twitter are my favorites, even though i'm sure no one actually cares about half the stuff i tweet about. I don't really like popcorn, but i LOVE chocolate. I don't like reading, but i love music. Like i love music, nearly 6,000 songs on my ipod! So if you have any suggestions please let me know, unless it's heavy metal, that stuff just gives me nightmares. I like to paint my nails and curl my hair. I love sleeping, i rarely curl my hair for school because i like sleep so much.
Now i'll answer the questions i know everyone desperately wants to know:
I am in recovery, i currently have 78 days sober after my relapse. I went to rehab in March of 2012, but more on that later. I'll tell more about my drug usage later too, because that is not the basis of my existence, even though that has made me who i am today and i'm grateful for that.
This is who i am and i'm okay with it.
 Love, CassidyJoan